Cambridge Commons, Cambridge, MA
Joined by special guests from Sushiesque, Sanskritboy, and Non Compos Mentis, among others.

Cambridge Common
(J arrives)
G: So we were just trying to figure out -- do we need cheese fries?
J: Sha! We haven't had them since Australia, and those were fake.
G: They were real!
J: No, I need me some real American Patriot Fries!
R: You mean freedom fries.
J: No, it's Boston. I think it's appropriate to call them Patriot Fries.

C: Do I need fried dough?
J: Bakon certainly needs fried dough. Your position on this is clear.
G: What are you saying?
J: It's fried, and it's dough.
G: What are you saying about me and my affinity for fried things?!

* * *

The conversation turns inevitably towards the local beer scene. J is new to town and needs to learn the ropes.
R: You could go to John Harvard, but...
C: No, the beer is unexceptional... between the beer and the scene... ecch.
A: You should get into the Beer Advocates.
J: Is that www.beeradvocate.com? I've been there.
C: Yeah. It's like a gang for people like you.
J: Ooh! Is it violent?

* * *

Waiter: Curly fries or straight fries?
G: How does that affect our science?
J: It has to be straight. We need to maintain consistency.
G: Straight fries, please.
Time passes. The fries arrive.
G: Ooh, they're nicely browned. They've done the broiler thing.
J: (trying some) Good cheese, good salt, not too hot, none of that searing heat issue.
G: The salt is infused in the fries rather than scattered over it, which is nice. There's layering -- and here's the clump!
J: And of course G goes for the clump.
G: They're a little raw, but the flavor is great.
J: They're up there. But they don't pop.
G: They're way up there. They're pretty raw.

* * *

G: (to R) Can I have some of your bacon?
R: Of course!
G: (beat) Does it bother you that I'm a vegetarian?
R: Not at all! I had no idea.

* * *

The conversation turns inexorably to pulp fiction, particularly of the romantic variety. It is revealed that Harlequin's most lucrative genres at present are religious and supernatural romance.
J: Screw this graduate school thing, I need to start me a lucrative side career!
G: Would you do religious or supernatural?
J: I could do religious.
G: Have you ever set foot in a church?!
J: (laughs)
G: This is on the record.
J: I have, I have.
G: What does Christian romance consist of, anyway?
C: There's usually a schoolteacher getting some drifter to settle down.
J: It reminds me of this book from the Victorian era, where this pure young girl runs away with a drifter and eventually meets her death, though not without redemption.
B: I was thinking it was more like "Jesus rubbed my nipples."
G: I want to see Jesus/Judas slash.
C: Oh, I'm sure it exists. Just about any slash you can imagine exists.
B: I found a site with a graphic of Gadget, the female chipmunk from [Disneys] Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers, crossed out with the words "No Gadget erotica!" underneath. Which is disturbing, because of course that implies that such erotica exists.
We all acknowledge that we don't understand furries.
A: I dated a guy whose fantasy was to dress up in a bear suit and do a girl wearing a bunny suit.
G: I'm convinced that the furry subculture is an unintended consequence of misguided second-wave feminism.
C: How so?
G: Well, there was that porn-is-evil trope, and the all-sex-with-men-is-coercive trope. A lot of us grew up with this baggage and just can't see the human body as sexually acceptable. So you avoid humanity entirely, and go with the very physical, ungendered sexuality of animals.
C: It's also sexuality without morals.
B: And with more rape.
J: Jesus!
B: No, I'm serious. With animals it's like "Look at my nice ears -- UNH! UNH!" (pelvic thrusts)
(A discussion of the sexual habits of marine megafauna ensues, including the infamous "sharks are total guidos on the dance floor" maneuver)
C: There's whole websites devoted to how dolphins swim around with their dorsal fins in each others' genital slits.
B: Why do you think dolphins prefer chaps?