Fries And Propaganda: Dorky and Awesome

Schultzy's, U District of Seattle, 12/29/05

J: It says they have the best fries anywhere, so maybe...
G: ...the best cheese fries? We'll have to see about the layering.

* * *

Waiter (indicating my notepad): That actually says Schultzy's on it.
G: Yeah, we take notes.
W: Just at Schultzy's, or on any restaurant?
G: All of 'em.
W: That really is science. That's kind of dorky and awesome. (leaves)
J: What, he's not actually considering that we're reviewing him? We said it was for science, buddy.

* * *

J: There's this ad in the bathroom stall that's just wrong in so many ways. It's for Always maxipads, and it says "Pamper Your Nether Regions." First of all, there's the association with Pampers, which is just wrong. Second, "nether regions" -- my Grandma says that. Finally, I'm dubious about the connection between "pampering" and Always -- why not pamper your nether regions with, say, Antonio Banderas?

G: roflmao

* * *

J: We should start writing down things to get the waiter's attention. Like, Waiter: 7.5. Name: ?

G: (carefully and obviously writes that down)

J: This cheese fries shit -- it's just gotten to the point where it writes itself. We don't even have to work.

* * *

W: OK, the fried cheese is on top and the melty cheese is on the bottom. We did it all on the grill, under a dome.
(beat. J and G are dumbfounded.)
J: You're a contender. Schultzy's is now a contender.
(commence eating)
J: And they're the small shoestring fries I like! Ooh they're salty.
G: I'm like Teller today, I'm not saying anything.
J: Bakon, eat the cheese!
G: Oo they're salty!
J: Yeah, they're salty. I don't know what's on these.
G: As long as it's not beef, we're OK.

* * *

G: I'm not sure it's cheddar. It looks like American.
J: American doesn't melt that well.
(G goes to fetch napkins)
G: You get one, I get three.
J: You have napkin problems. (picks up a clot of fries and cheese which brings along half the plateful) Have we ever had any that did that?! This place is a diamond in the rough.

* * *

G: (takes a cheese crisp created by the special grilling process)
J: That's the Hope Diamond and you just took it! You don't hesitate, you just say Must take before the coyotes get it! There are norms in this society, you can't just break them!
G: You're too shy and retiring, that's all.

* * *

G: Yeah, he has a cat that shits on the walls.
J: That's something Jordan would do.
G: Huh?
J: One time he got all stressed out and I found him in his room, drawing on the wall with crayons. Another time we went to the drivethrough at McDonald's, and he ordered a whole bag of, like, fifteen hamburgers. Fifteen. I'm not kidding. He's a disturbed individual.
G: Where is he now, anyway?
J: He's applying for a job at the CIA! He asked me for a recommendation! I told him, Honey, if I write you an application they'll do a background check on me and it will torpedo your application for any government position. And I said, have you looked back on any of the stuff that appeared in the Omen under your tenure recently? He doesn't seem to remember any of it.
G: Does he have any idea?! He's completely out of touch with reality. I still clearly remember the time -- we were standing in the Airport Lounge -- and he says to me, You know, the Forward [struggling campus paper] is kind of like the New York Times, and the Omen [campus hate rag which wasn't even trying at the time] is more like Time, or Newsweek. There was such a disconnect. And then the time I found him at three in the morning on a Saturday trying on a suit, and he admitted it wasn't for a date, he was seeing how it looked for a trustee meeting on Monday? Jeebus.

* * *

W: Who's Jennifer... Howww...k?
J: That's Hawk, like the bird.
W: Oh, that's very nice. My name's Tinker.
J: That must've sucked when you were a kid.
W (seeming a little hurt): Yeah, well, people seem to like it now.

* * *

W: Is this all gonna go in when you publish this for your paper?
G: Oh we're not writing for a p-- [stops herself as she realizes she might get more out of the situation if he thought they were writing for a paper, but it's too late, he's left the check and walked off, looking irritated]

(Overall consensus: Schultzy's fries rival Around The Clock in terms of their excellence, edging towards a win with the exceedingly innovative grill method. However, it is vital that they use less salt next time. My tongue was on fire. This could have been an accident, though. Good job, Schultzy's!)

Posted by Gus at January 09, 2006 03:33 PM