from a letter to Xephreniaq
Alas, my life also seems to be full of brutishly short relationships with
guys who have crippling emotional problems. This may sound like more of
the same to you, but it's a bit of a shock after five years of steady (if
not stable) relationships that lasted for a few years, and a very
nourishing period of being single over the past year. I just keep fooling
around with guys who panic and withdraw so soon after getting involved
that I don't even end up with sweet charming moments to look back on.
These guys haven't even been worth the butterflies-in-the-stomach, and
it's pitiful to have to say that about someone. I wouldn't have expected
it; the main offenders have been good friends of mine. I don't understand
why things have turned out so rotten.
It makes for good antivenom, though. Comparing the steady productivity of
my life when I'm not seeing anyone to the imbalance and compulsiveness I
indulge in when I am clears out my head. I'm better off alone, thank you
very much. It makes me deeply upset, because I worry I am congenitally
unable to relate to or live with other people, and if that's the case I
feel like I'll be missing out on important things. I worry this is going
to leave me one of these old women with a rich intellectual and creative
life and nothing more than cats and a vibrator on the home front. Which,
according to most feminists, should be just fine by me, but which, by the
dictates of my emotional wiring, is not going to be tolerable in the long
term.
* * *
Administrivia: I have added a link in the left-hand column to a handmade index, which, unlike the automatic Blogger one, has titles. I did it in March and haven't updated it since, and I had intended to make pound links for each article, but it's better than nothing. I'll probably update it at some point, and I hope also get around to making a best-of kind of thing as a sort of clips page.
Posted by Gus at May 14, 2001 11:04 PM